Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
