One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
