we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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