my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
I need mimosas to revive my soul
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize