You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
So vagazzling was a success
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
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