I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
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