how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
Randomize
