I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
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