she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
Randomize
