I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Randomize
