They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
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