I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
