wrigley field is MILF paradise
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
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