I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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