Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
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