Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
is she serious with that outfit? Why doesnt she just paste a for sale sign on her boobs?
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
Randomize