Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Randomize
