There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
Randomize
