i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize