Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
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