i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Randomize
