I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
Randomize
