i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
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