I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group
But you wear shame so well
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
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