I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Non-Jews are for practice
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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