Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
We succumbed to passion, and then he had to go meet his girlfriend. End of story.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
Randomize
