Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
Randomize
