All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
I just puked my brains out on the side of the road (see picture) And I took a picture for our scrapbook! I am always thinking! =) tell me your proud?!
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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