Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Randomize
