if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
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