I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
I'm eating all of the evidence.
i think i just saw hanson at the grocery store. one might have been a girl. hard to tell. lets call that one taylor.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
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