What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting.
just follow your vagina
Quote of the day.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Randomize
