her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
