I have demons in me.
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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