omg he said he wants to insert his penis into my vagnia what do i say
tell him to stop quoting family guy
He asked to "fluff my boner.."
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
Randomize
