You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
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