Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Randomize
