You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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