the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
She even gives head with a lisp.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
Randomize
