you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
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