What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
Randomize
