Its not drinking alone if you got Tiger on the Wii.
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
Randomize
