i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
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