I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
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