So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
Soo both my 8 year old sister and fuck buddy are named Sarah..
this can't be going anywhere good
nooope. guess which one i texted last nite to come over so i could "punish her pussy"? =\
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Randomize
