after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Randomize
