Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
