; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
So I just went to clothing optional bar
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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