Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
You were trust falling into bushes
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
