We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
