So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
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