literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I need a hoe opinion
go on
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
Randomize