My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
Another day, another engagement, another cat
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Randomize
