It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Randomize