I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
i hope someone procrastinates by putting up the pics up...
sarah said she can't even post all of hers due to facebook indecency rules
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
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