i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
okay, prove you're not drunk to me. write 5 true sentences about me with correct grammar.
I am sober. Because I don't drunk. It is bad. People die. I like Domenico because o he bag women what up?
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Randomize
