after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
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