you can still come hang out if you want
I really don't feel like watching you play video games
I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize
