i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
Randomize
