Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
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