Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
38 yer olds are good kisserssss
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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