looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Randomize